That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel
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I have been depressed. Badly depressed.
After my accident, the work that I adored had been stripped away from me. All of my life, I had known that one day I would get married and have children. Suddenly my chances of getting married were worse than nil. They seemed non-existent. I was spastic and deaf. All my dreams had disintegrated. I was incredibly lonely. What was there to live for? One day…and then the next…followed by another…and then another….and flipping well another…For what? I honestly could see nothing great about continuing living. I had spoken to God about my whole situation. I had explained. He must expect me a little sooner in Heaven than perhaps he visualised.
I planned to take my own life.
I ran a gorgeous, hot bath with lovely soothing aromatherapy oils in it. And I had bought a beautiful bottle of wine. I planned to go out in style! I had two boxes of sleeping tablets and slowly, ever so slowly…well, you can guess the rest. But, there again I was a failure! I couldn’t actually bring myself to swallow those blasted tablets and end my stay in this thing called life. I sobbed in that hot scented bath as I can’t remember ever having sobbed before. I cried and cried and cried. I went to bed a washed out rag of a human being.
I needed help. I couldn’t “manage” this thing called Life on my own.
Enter Shirley Tollman, a wonderful psycho-therapist. My life saver!
Shirley has thick grey hair and penetrating blue eyes. She asked pertinent questions and listened. I was in a bad way when I began my sessions. I am just so grateful that I had a therapist like Shirley to pull me out of that very deep, dark hole of depression. Gradually, ever so gradually I began to heal. Gradually, ever so gradually I began to make sense of this senseless life. Gradually, ever so gradually, I began to accept life with all of it’s vagaries.
I am now a different person completely. I love life with all it’s ups and downs. Indeed, I love life because of its ups AND downs. Life isn’t meant to go smoothly.
About a month ago, I received the following letter via my ‘ear ‘ear! FB page.
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I would like to share my story with you. It will start with “I wish I had known of you and your wonderful blog before. Your positivity is contagious. “
In 2010 I was going through a difficult patch….trouble at home, trouble at work. I wasn’t happy anywhere. To cut a long story short…..after a discussion with the managing director of the company I worked for….I left work, decided I had had enough of living and didn’t want to do it anymore. I then drove around for a few hours and drove my car into a wall at nearly 200 kilometres per hour. I sustained some extreme injuries but, miraculously, survived. I had broken both of my legs, the left one very badly and the right one (only) in one place. Most of my internal organs were swollen and damaged from the impact but I was alive. Now, of course, I had to live with the guilt of surviving, knowing that I had wanted to die….when others who have so much more hardship, fight with all they have. I spent 6 months in a wheelchair and a further 6 months plus walking with crutches. Now I just have a limp as a reminder….and a much more positive attitude regarding life. I enjoy your blog as it is always cheerful and you are so vibrant…..never letting things get you down. Thank you for that.
I’ve realised that life is for living…..
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Oh, how my heart cracked into a million pieces when I read this. This man had needed so badly to talk to someone! Why didn’t he seek medical help? Surely he had people that saw how he was? Why didn’t they talk to him?
One cries out at this man’s inability to sit down and unburden himself of all those hidden demons tearing his soul apart. There is nothing “out of place” or “freakish” about being depressed. One wants to howl at the world to take notice and be there for him. One cannot go about ones life, ignoring what is so blatantly in front of us. That will surely result in a “car smash”! Yes, one will often be very smartly rebuffed when one tries to insert oneself in the path of those howling demons, but I believe that a rebuff is actually a cry for help. And one should continue trying!
Why are people so frightened to admit to being depressed? Why are people so reluctant to admit that they are bipolar?
![comic depression](https://i0.wp.com/www.earearblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/comic-depression1-e1394550304697.jpg?resize=300%2C500)
A friend who who had a Bipolar episode says: “The mind, not being made of muscle, or tissue or an organ of any sort, cannot be subject to “illness” or “disease”…..only difference.”
I read the following piece on FB. It was written by a friend of mine, Miranda, who I have known for the past 26 years. She is a sunny woman, who has a ready smile on her lips and she always makes me laugh!
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“I was diagnosed bipolar in 1998. Over the years I have lost friends and I have struggled to understand their perspective. A lot of people do not nobly stand beside you as easily when your illness is invisible. It truly does seem easier for people to stay by a cancer sufferer, or someone with any kind of physical illness. Mental illness is just as life threatening. It devastates sufferers and their families, it mutilates an individual’s measure of the world. It isolates and imprisons with more efficacy than any prison wall. It is not possible for a sufferer to educate other people about their illness so that they will tick all the right boxes and provide great support. All that helps is talking, sharing information, being honest and facing stigma. No-one should be ashamed or guilty because of how well or badly they handle their own or another’s mental health. But to keep trying, is a great and very wonderful thing.
I have never posted or spoken about my own bipolar diagnosis publicly. Some of my friends know. Most, in fact, do not. I decided to write this on Face Book today in a statement of my own liberation. For many many years I thought I would just keep it secret for fear of stigma ( and I have had plenty of reason to fear that). I had decided I did not want to be the mum my son’s friends whispered about one day …. but I realise I am better than that. I am an incredibly vulnerable person, but hiding vulnerability makes one weak. Living in it, gives you strength. I have decided to live publicly with my bipolar-ness and make my life a living proof of someone’s best effort to manage mental illness. Yes, I have lost a very great deal during and as a direct result of the 16 years of my diagnosis. Jobs, homes, relationships and most of all, friends.
I have bipolar friends as well as friends diagnosed with depression. I witness their struggles too. We all know there are no easy answers and we do not hold out begging plates for understanding. But I know we do reach out, even though others may not always understand the methods of our madness.
Inside every sane person, there is a mad person trying to get out, and inside every mad person there is a sane one trying to get out. There is no “you” and “us” really, the line of division is not thin, it is a mirage of perspective.
Today I wish you courage!
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She expresses so aptly what I was trying to say. Depression, being Bipolar…these are illnesses of our brain. The brain is the organ we know the least about. We mustn’t then condemn people suffering from these afflictions as being: (said in a hushed voice!) “Unstable, not right in the head, you know. In fact, they’re slightly demented!
For goodness sakes! The people thinking and saying these things are themselves slightly mad!
Stephen Fry, Bipolar himself wisely writes:
“If you know someone who’s depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation, depression just is, like the weather.Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other-side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest and best things you will ever do. ”
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The ‘comic’ strip is by Allie Brosh who blogs at hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com
Dearest Gaynor, when I read your blog “Get a Grip”, I cried. I was feeling very down, I have no idea why. Thank you for your inspiration and honesty – I have no reason to feel depressed – especially after I read the replies to your blog – I must live in the Now – which reminds me of a book I read sometime ago called “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle – I think I must read it again 🙂
Yes, Netti, I know that feeling of being alone. And yes, our Lord is always with us. He is the One who will never leave us, thank the Pope! I have had very dark times where I have shouted and hurled abuse at God. And my insults have bounced off Him as He has held a hand out to me. That hand was always there waiting for me to grasp it.
Don’t feel ashamed of yourself. That is a useless emotion. Be proud that you are 78 with so much love to give. Thank you for giving a little bit of it to me.
Gently I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Great article, the feeling of helplessness. and shame. ” Just stop being mad.” they don’t understand that your reality is warped and your sense of perspective is warped and you justs don’t see the same world as them . I think you summed it up very well.The only thing I take issue with , personally, is the Stephen Fry quote.
As far as I’m concerned the only reason I’m still here is because someone ( a therapist) asked me why and forced me to be honest, and to really examine why. I then asked myself why and had to face my problems head on. I had reasons, I know its a dirty thing to say about depression and suicide but its true. I did have reasons ( some that I didn’t want to admit even to myself) I was justified in feeling terrible . My brain chemistry was part of it but the brain chemistry was influenced by a number of factors.
My brain didn’t just turn on me one day. I feel to reduce the problem to only a physical one would be to take agency away from myself as though I must just accept the terminal diagnosis. Once I realized WHY I wanted to die I realized that I wasn’t as helpless as I felt. So for me the quote doesn’t ring true. I say ask and keep asking, Question everything, especially your own perspective.
I too lost friends and even family. I have to take some responsibility for that as my behavior would have driven me away if I’d been in their shoes. Some behavior is just not ever ok no matter how sick you are. People tried and tried to help and couldn’t, and I kept demanding help that they couldn’t give and shouldn’t have been expected to give. No matter how much support you get the only person who can kill the black dog (or at least leash it) is ourselves.
I wish you well and continued health.
Yes, Cliff, you are right. Question your own perspective! I hope to be always doing that.
One actually IS finally responsible for oneself. One closes ones eyes one oneself at the end of the day. And one opens ones eyes oneself at the beginning of a new day…..One is responsible for oneself. And finally at our end: One is responsible for oneself.
All I was saying using that quote by Stephen Fry was that depression often isn’t a straightforward situation and that yes, it is so good to have people who are there for you. I didn’t need people to question why. It was just nice having people there.
But as you so rightly pointed out: We must keep that in perspective! One mustn’t NEED people to be there.
Thank you for your wise comments.
With a smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Thank you for sharing this, Gaynor.
And thank you for reading it, Cary!
With a soft smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Thank you for this post. You have lost a lot of things, as you mention in this blog, including your first passion, the theatre and the physical ability to act, but actually you have not lost your original life’s purpose. Most people I know go to the theatre to be entertained, but a VERY large number of them come out of it having learnt something, about themselves, about others, about love and tragedy about a social problem, or even how to solve a crime. Your life, including this blog, is still doing that. I was reminded about some very important things reading this, and my ability to empathise, and to listen and ultimately to do my job and run my family better, is all affected by reading things like you have posted here. To me, your life is very much on track. The way you are forced into doing it is different, but bully for you for not giving up, even though it must still be very hard. Thanks for being so faithful to who you REALLY are. You help me and others to be faithful to who WE are. Carry on – it’s not wasted.
I enjoyed your book, by the way!
Margaret, thank you – your words mean so much to me! I never thought of my life’s “purpose” in the way that you have so eloquently expressed here. With my acting, I would work on a part, gradually forming her as the weeks progressed. And I would be pleased. With my writing, as time moves on so my piece takes shape. And I am pleased. Because I am still creating!
With every piece I write, I ask of myself: What is your purpose in this piece? And it is to make people aware of life in all it’s complexity. You made me see that I am still doing in my writing what I used to do on a stage.
And I am pleased!
Thankyou, Margaret!
With a deep smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Gaynor – a wonderful article. Thank you for using my Facebook post. If any of your readers would like to know more about me and my writing , here is the link http://bockymama.blogspot.co.uk/ and I am on twitter @MirandadeBarra. Also, I am working as an inspirational public speaker and writer for mental health survival, recovery and stigma busting. Check out my progress !
Bless you, dear, sweet Miranda, with the big heart!
As always I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Oh … Bravo for a script well written, a concept well thought out and for giving other sufferers, like you and I and so many others support and comfort … more than anything else comfort … that we are not alone, not mad, not degenerates or strange … Well maybe a little strange but then isn’t everybody!? … but we are ‘normal’. More than anything else, we are human, not perfect, flawed human beings which makes us perfect in our imperfections. Thank you for shedding light … being inspirational … empathetic … and just a stalwart of a human being. Grazie and enormous blessings. 🙂
Soft laugh – how I wish that we could sit down, have a meal together, chat and catch up on each other’s lives, Pippa!
Thank you so much for your kind and heartfelt words. Yes, we are imperfect human beings, striving to improve ourselves. But therein lies the joy in life.
Gently I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Dear Gaynor,
Any one reading your blog and not inspired by it, they have no heart.
This type of blog must help more people than you are aware of.
This is your best blog so far, please keep it up.
Estelle, if I were with you now you would be engulfed by this enormous hug! Thank you, Angel.
With a big smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Gaynor, you are truly inspirational and give us so many things to appreciate and learn from. In life it is too easy to take so much for granted. Your blog brings home the importance of compassion, understanding, taking time to think and gratitude. Thank you my friend.
Thank you so much, Romary. I have no words. Thank you, thank you thank you…..
Softly I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Dearest Gaynor,
Reading through your blog I could so well understand for what you must have gone through after the accident….I was so shocked and still feel in my heart what you must have gone through!!
I am 78 years and have seen life (I think?) but some days I feel surprised how easily I can slip into a feeling of being alone and forgotten, though I have children and loving friends always there for me.
The losses in life was heavy for me but amazingly every time God helped me through the dark times.
He is always aware of His children and cares more than we ever can imagine.
Recently I read a book written by Nick Vujicic, the man born without arms and legs…I feel so ashamed of myself, having so much and sometimes feel I could have had it better. I am well formed, no deforms of any kind, and then I think such silly thoughts!!
I admire your courage Gaynor and learn so much from you, you are precious my girl!!
Bags of hugs and love x x
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