After my accident, whilst in a coma, Absa, set up an account for me. They generously deposited money into this and let it be known that it was available for public donations towards my medical expenses. Twenty-five years later, I am still banking with Absa!
Recently I wrote to the Chief Financial Officer and I thanked him for such an incredibly thoughtful gesture. I suggested that perhaps I could be an “ambassador” for Absa. He put his Head of Marketing in touch with me who said that they were working on one or two ideas and would be in touch shortly. Soon afterwards, I received an e-mail saying that Absa would like to send down three people to George to meet me and discuss a future project.
I was most intrigued.
They flew down to George and met me at my flat. A lovely, sparkling woman named Lauren, a wise, smiling and I was to discover gently, perceptive man, Hennie, and Wayne with his mop of curly hair and amused eyes that missed nothing. They took me out to lunch where we simply got to know a bit about one another. The next day, Hennie and Wayne came to my apartment and literally grilled me. Question after question about every aspect of my life. And no, I didn’t discuss my sexual proclivities with them but everything else! Eventually Wayne said that Absa would love to work with me and make a film which would be shown on their website and YouTube. They would discuss everything they had learnt about me and come up with a scenario to film. They would send it to me for my approval.
I said goodbye with a light heart. I would really enjoy working with them!
A week later, their proposal arrived. They wanted me to go back to The State Theatre and perform a poem on the Opera Stage. I couldn’t believe what I was reading. I read it once more. Yes, that was exactly what they wanted!
I began to shake as the tears started flooding my eyes. How could they expect me to return to that nightmare of a place? It was there that I had fallen eighteen metres offstage onto concrete below. It was at The State Theatre that my life as I knew it, was stripped from me completely. It was in that place that Gaynor the actress had been killed. I had lost my ability to hear, sixty percent of my eyesight, my singing voice had not even waved as it disappeared forever. I had been given the unwelcome spasticity on my right hand side, a disgusting limp and a mind that was no longer able to memorise lines. And they wanted me to to return to that stage and perform there. The only thing I felt I would be able to do on that Opera Stage was curl into a little ball and howl. Wolf howls, long and loud.
Shirley Johnston, the editor of my book My Plunge to Fame is a close friend and mentor. I sent her their letter and added my helpless fear which was now tinged with outrage. I didn’t get back the comforting reply I had anticipated.
Gaye, you will do it! I know you can and you will. You – who have been to hell and have come back to inspire others.
It will be confronting your worst fear, I am so aware of that. I believe that if you confront it, you will conquer it. I KNOW you will be just fine, especially with your strong faith to guide you and give you strength.
I think it will be so moving if you do the e.e.cummings poem, the one you recited at your 30th birthday – just after your accident. And the sentiment behind it is so uplifting and so positive and so apt for you, Gaynor, who should be bewailing your fate and cursing every day – and yet you continue to thank God for each amazing day in your new life since it changed so drastically.
Gaye, look at it as a gift you will be able to give to countless others. Those who are afraid to confront their own worst fears, those whose lives have been shattered and who are trying to find their own strength. I believe it is your destiny to help others who have had a raw deal. You have always inspired, you have never let anything crush your indomitable spirit. You will be standing on a stage which is merely a wooden floor. It is a place you have always loved to be. You will, I am sure, be able to put your mind into another space.This will merely be a building, a stage…..
I just wish I could be there! I unreservedly recommend you should go for it, girl!!!
Glory be, Shirley was certainly not saying anything I had expected. She was saying that I should go back. Back to that hell hole! I re-read what she had written. Inspirational, she called me. I don’t want to be inspirational. I want to be normal. Ah, but that normality was done away with during that State Theatre performance. Like it or not, I had become an inspiration to people. And here was this ‘Inspirational person’ not facing up to a fear that she had been carrying around for twenty-five years.
In my motivational talks, I speak of facing up to one’s fears. About not carrying around unnecessary baggage. Only then is one truly free. An enormous boulder of fear had been twined around my neck for twenty-five years. Fear of The State Theatre and everything it represented to me. It was a boulder that I was able to sling out of everyone’s sight so that no one was aware of it’s presence. No one except for me.
What a hypocrite I was! The ironic thing was that it was causing no one harm. Except me. How can one move freely with a boulder around one’s neck? It constantly bangs into things causing you to flinch from ricocheting pain.
One thing leaped out of Shirley’s letter at me: “…especially with your strong faith to guide you and give you strength.”
I took a deep breath. And then another. Of course. I had God with me. I often didn’t understand His plan but He never let me down. He was always there. I got the impression that He was wanting me to go back. He knew that I had unfinished business at The State Theatre.
Thank you, sweet Shirley, for that gentle reminder.
With a sigh I picked up my I-Pad and wrote:
Hi there, Hennie and Wayne!
With trepidation I say: Okay, let’s go for it! If I see the stage and a feeling of unease and a dawning of fear engulf me, could we then change to the other theatre within the venue?
I look so forward to working together. We can make a film that can be looked upon as a gift to people who are afraid to confront their worst fears. Those whose lives have been shaken and are searching for the strength to continue, will be encouraged by the film we will make.
With a big smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
And so, it was back to The State Theatre. I felt hollow inside. Goodness knows what it would hold for me this time.
‘Lord, please stay close,’ I begged.
Absolutely a sad but inspirational story. As I mentioned at the Gym a few years ago. Cliff & I lived in Florida Gauteng at the time and was a member of the Roodepoort Civic Theatre society . Cliff was Managing Editor for the West Rand Caxton papers. We are now, as you know, resident in George for the past 5yrs. Thanks Gaynor we always enjoy your Blog . Stay positive You can do it. Love Heidi
Ah Gaynor, what a challenge, but one I have do doubt you are up to, but more than the challenge, what an even bigger opportunity you have before you. xxx
I have no words Gaynor …… you shine my heart ……
P.S. Thank you Absa xxx
Darling Gaynor, this is the most amazing, loving, kind thing you have done – mainly for yourself, who deserves it the most, but also for others battling with paralysing fears. God has bless you with courage and love enough to share, and we are most grateful. Love you millions, my treasure, Mim xxxxx
Paraphrase, with apologies to the Author and Finisher of our Faith: ‘Though you walk through the valley of the shadow of death He is with you.’ We love you, Gaynor.
Hello Gaynor.
I am around the same age as you and was involved in the Opera chorus at the State Theatre the year before your tragic event.
When I read this blog post, and before getting to the point where Shirley gave her sage advice, I thought: Go for it Gaynor! Rise like the phoenix above this event! You have inspired many despite the event which changed your life, in fact you inspire as a result of that day.
Yes much has been taken from you, but think of all those whose lives you will touch while they are glued to their TV screens. I just think of this lovely town we call home and think of so many people in our less privileged areas that need something that will take them out of the holes that they are in.
Inspire Gaynor and make this world a better place. Let your light shine!
Yes, you are so right, Wayne. When I was an actress I wanted to touch and move people. I am no longer able to act but I motivational talk. There I am able to move so many as my standing ovations show. You will see that last night I put on a film of me at The State Theatre. On Friday I will tell you of my experience……
Thank you for your kind words!
With a smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Wow wow wow !! You are such an inspiration Gaynor X
Laugh – Thank you, Diane!
With a big smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
oh my word you are just amazing. you have conquered everything life threw at you and coming up stronger than before. No doubt in my mind you will handle this one and free yourself of this weight. with you all the way!
Thank you, my Jen! And that is where I have been so lucky in my life – no matter what, I have had people with me all the way. That is why I am who I am!
With a smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Well Sweet Girl….
You have been my inspiration for years. I am just so damn proud that I have met you! You must do whatever feels right, you always have! That is the GAYNOR WAY!
Blessings and love
Nola xxx
Laugh – The Gaynor Way has got me into a lot of trouble too!
Gosh, I do miss you, sweet Nola!
With a smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
They say that if you fall off a bicycle or a horse, you need to get back on as soon as you physically can, to allay the fear of riding. Your present life began on that stage, and you have come a long, long way since then. My gut instinct tells me (and forgive me my presumption – I don’t know you, and if I am saying the wrong thing, just accept the goodwill behind it) that if you go back, you will put a full stop to the end of this story and free yourself for the next stage of your story. Yours is a remarkable life, and there’s nothing to say that there isn’t more for you to do and be. You certainly have the guts and the determination to carry on. God bless. You are awesome!
Yes, Margaret, you are so, so right. I knew that I had to go back.
And I did!
On Friday I will be telling you all about that experience. Yes, when a person falls off a horse, they must get back on. 25 years on I finally mounted that horse!
With a smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
I can’t wait to hear the next installment! Isn’t courage feeling the fear and doing it anyway? If so, then you are courage personified and should be proud of recognizing your boulder and wanting to rid yourself of it. Xxx
Whooppeeeee! Kim, I am now boulder free!!!
With a laugh I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Wow Gaynor, and double wow. I so relate to both your initial reaction and Shirley’s reaction. Wishing you courage, I salute you!
Thank you, John!
And I did it!!! Read about it on Friday.
With a smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
I did it, John, I visited The State Theatre!
I posted the Absa film which I hope you’ve seen. Thank you for your encouragement!
With a smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Oh my greatness G….the hairs on my arms are upright! Even though I travelled much of this decision time with you , just seeing it in script makes me understand again what an awesome being I have as a friend. This is a small step for mankind but a giant step for Gaynor! (Sorry Neil Armstrong)
Yes, Jans, Neil Armstrong said it all!
With a laugh I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
Quite a story, my goodness. Full circle? Have you been back yet or is this coming in another blog? You are not only inspirational but very brave.
I saw tonight that you had seen the Absa video. I was only going to publish it next week with the blog to go with it. It was an extraordinary experience, Sandi. I will speak about it on Friday.
I have always had people behind me. I wouldn’t be as I am today without them.
Miss you!
With a smile I kiss your eyes
Gaynor
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